Dating Advice from Khal: Why Becoming a basement dwelling Cave Nerd is hindering your Dating Life

Hotel Khalifornia is a new column by W4 regular Khal - as he discusses advice gained from experience on how to improve your social life. You can follow khal on twitter @hotelkhali


Part 1


Before we begin - feel free to start the video below - for ambiance sake.



Now - Why becoming a basement dwelling Cave Nerd is hindering your dating life.

This is a problem that I see guys having all the time and I too have been victim to this at one point in my life. You spend all week on facebook, youtube, watching movies and playing video games and then Friday night rolls around and you expect to meet women by being this cool social guy. Very incongruent! So you go to the clubs approach groups of people and notice that not many people are responding favorably to you. Why is this?

Simple: THE TRUE SELF IS ALWAYS COMING OUT! –Tyler Durden.

What does this mean?

Have you ever approached a girl and found your self running out of things to say? Have you found yourself having difficulty making eye contact, or saying something bold and then looking away or looking down after? I call this the flinch or mental retreat and we’ll get into more of this in a bit.

Worst of all have you found yourself vibing with a girl and minutes later seeing the interaction die down? THE GIRL LIKES YOU AND IN A MATTER OF A SECOND ALL ATTRACTION IS LOST? IT SUCKS!

What causes the mental retreat/flinch?

This is all linked to incongruences. The human mind is a lot more powerful than you think. The personality that you are trying to portray is not really who you are and your mind realizes this. I see many guys who have learned all of the lines and all of the latest “cool pick up tricks” fail miserably because of this one factor. The bold lines aren’t REALLY YOU! Trying to make a girl jealous through stories isn’t REALLY YOU! And acting like a high value guy who has selection IS NOT REALLY YOU! You can spit all of the lines you know but in a matter of seconds your mind is going to lead you to project unattractive subcommunication. Subcommunication as in moving around while talking to someone, shaking, stuttering your words, looking away (flinching).

The video game playing you is coming out whether you learnt the lines or not! You begin to look away and subconsciously you begin to back away or nervously smile/giggle after making bold statements. You begin to shake when you touch the girl. This is all happening because you are more accustomed to staying at home not interacting with people than you are going out and being social. When you go out this is the personality that you are reflecting whether you consciously realize it or not. The mental retreat(stuttering, nervous giggles, looking down) is caused by the TRUE anti-social self overlapping the PROJECTED high value guy.

How to fix this problem.

Ditch the lines and pick up strategies and go pursue an active high value life style. Become congruent with the person that you are trying to project to the world. Once you begin to have a high value life you will naturally become a more high valued attractive person. It is all a matter of life style.

Things you can do to improve your life style.

1) Make a commitment to yourself to go out to social gatherings four nights a week. I know I know, this one is difficult with work or school but if you even dedicate 2 hours in a night to this your results will drastically change.

2) APPROACH PEOPLE! Get used to talking to strangers! Some may be receptive and some may not…Who cares?! As long as you are enjoying yourself. Do not link validation to their responses. Get the enjoyment at of the sheer fact that you had the guts do go out there and lay your personality on the line.

3) Travel. See the world and all that it has to offer. Travelling will give you new perspectives in life and will allow you to see how others around the world live. At the very least it will make you more social.

4) Volunteer and join clubs. FIND YOUR PASSION and pursue it. Women are very attracted to passionate men. Also, you will meet many people with the same interests as you and will begin to widen your social circle.

5) Take classes. Always work on improving yourself. Learn to dance, cook, act etc. plus who are we kidding they are loaded with cute girls =). including the instructor ;)

See you next time at the Hotel Khalifornia
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